STROUBLES of a Man – No less than a Woman

Before I start, let me be very clear, this post is not intended to attack women or to undermine their issues.  This is not a fight and whatever I am about to write is intended to sketch the other side of the story; and of course, it won’t be applicable to all. Not all men face the same issues nor women; it all depends on person to person, family to family, place to place and many other reasons.

And neither this article is about complaining or whining about parents or society as a whole. What I have learned in life is that troubles are meant to be a part of it; blaming society or parents is just an excuse which further worsens the situation. People learn, people adopt; and our elders deserve some space as the transition of generations has been happening so rapidly.

I always try to be neutral in my writings, I never try to be biased but this article is somewhat personal so it will be quite one sided but it doesn’t mean an attack or undermining the other side. Please keep this in mind.

Alright, let’s dive in.

There is this common notion that a man enjoys a life free of troubles or as if men are born with some kind of a free pass or a coupon to get away with anything they want by just being a man. Including me, I have seen many examples where a modern day woman is much more independent and privileged as compared to men. Both men and women face almost similar kind of problems, disguised differently.

EDUCATION

Many women face hurdles in acquiring education and the most common resistance is ITNA PER LIKH K KIA KRO GI. Well, though we men are not only allowed but forced to study, the impact is somewhat similar. The purpose of us getting educated is not to be an intellectual being but to able to earn because PARO GE NHI TO ACHI JOB NHI, ACHI JOB NHI TO ACHA PAISA NHI, PAISA NHI TO BANGLA NHI GAARI NHI, OR BANGLA GARI NHI TO RISHTA NHI. We might have the freedom to education but this freedom is like having a gun without bullets.  We don’t get to choose our own path, we are forced to choose the path that can generate money. Our practical habits, extracurricular activities are of no value if they aren’t generating money for us.

And then we are always humiliated by being told that LARKIO KO DEKHO, TUM SE ACHI TO LARKIAN HAIN, WO AAGE NIKEL GAYIN. Well, not to undermine, I totally admire the achievements of women but one of the reasons why women tops is because if they are given the freedom of education, they get the true essence of it and not a shallow one like us. They aren’t pressurized to pursue a specific field or to must have high grades. They are not threatened that if failed, they will be sent in some hell hole and their dreams will come to an end. A woman’s life is never dependent on her degree but a man’s is.

I am a high school dropout. I scored 77% in secondary which I consider an achievement. But then I couldn’t pursue further studies and kept on failing because I was more into extracurricular activities that deemed non-financial and got no support. The trauma and depression that I have been through is hardly explainable. Even now, I have kept this page a secret because no matter how many people admire it, as far as it’s not generating money, it’s worthless.

MORAL POLICING and SOCIAL FREEDOM

Be it clothes or any other social norm, I have faced strict restrictions. I wasn’t allowed to wear specific kind of dresses, such as tight clothes, ripped jeans, jewelry, spiked hair etc.  And I am not complaining, Alhamdulillah I admire my parenting that put me on the right path.

I wasn’t allowed to hang out with friends. Strict eyes were kept on my movements. If permitted, I had to head back home within a specified time. My social circle was kept limited; I wasn’t allowed to attend parties or even sporting events alone. I was under surveillance all the time. I wasn’t even allowed to have a mobile phone.

An incident happened that further limited my freedom. After scoring well in Metric, I was hoping for a little freedom but things went sideways. After my matriculation, I came to Pakistan on vacation alone, without parents.

I have always been a family guy; adored by my relatives, I always kept in touch with them; I would call everyone on Eid to wish; I was respected.  I was never a TIME PASS guy; I have always been straightforward, no dirty talks, no dating; I had a crush on my cousin. We talked for a few days when I visited Pakistan and told her right away that I like her and want to marry her. I was probably 17 that time. Even at that age, I had no bad intentions. But I was accused and the whole family turned against me; no one even bothered to give me a slightest of chance to defend myself or give me an ounce of benefit of doubt for my clean record; everyone believed her. Even my parents turned against me. That’s how powerful words and tears of a woman are.

 I wasn’t even aware of the accusation. I simply thought that all the fuss was about me asking her for marriage; I only came to know after a few days that she accused me of sending dirty messages. No one bothered to inquire about it or to look into the matter deeply if the message was real or sent by me.

My life was turned upside down. My image was tarnished; I lost my honor and have to live with the stain for the rest of my life. I went into solitude, faced trauma and depression. If this incident wouldn’t have happened, my life could have been different. I could have been granted the little freedom I was promised of that could have lead me on the path of my dreams.

I never had the privilege to walk away for just being a man- even though being innocent. Instead, today she is happily married and I am still struggling in my life. But I have no hard feelings for her; in fact, I still give her the benefit of doubt that may be someone else played us and sent that message from my number in my absence. I even contacted her years later to clarify but instead of listening, she humiliated me and told me to never contact again.

RISHTA HURDLES

I am now 28 years old and want to get married. Alhamdulillah, I have never been in illicit relationships and I value marriage. For me, marriage is a very prestigious bond and I take it very seriously. But, I am uneducated, not super rich and fat. So, I have been facing quite lot refusals. I am not mad; it is a right of someone to refuse, even on the basis of looks. After all, you would be spending life with this person so you should be looking for your expectations to be met. Though, the expectations should not be extravagant and materialistic. Again, refusing someone is not BAD; it is one’s right. And I am well aware of my appearance; I understand that being overweight is a problem. Your partner should be someone that upon looking, you feel comfort in your eyes and soul; and appearances do play a role in it. And I am not talking about beauty because beauty has no standards; a person may appear beautiful to me but not to you and vice versa.

And I also don’t mind issues raised about my education and financial status. After all, it is my utmost responsibility to provide. But what I am trying to portray here is the problems faced by a man in finding a partner. I myself have no conditions at all. I don’t want dowry, I don’t want an extravagant wedding function, I wish to get married in the simplest way possible and I don’t mind marrying a divorcee. In fact, the last two rejections I faced were by divorcees. All I look for is my instinct; if a person’s personality and characteristic clicks, nothing else matter to me other than my parent’s blessings.

The fact is that the amount of money I earn and the amount I have in my bank account is not sufficient to see me as an Independent strong man but the same accumulative amount is enough for a woman to be seen as a strong, successful independent woman. Even if I declare that I am ready to be a stay-at-home husband, I will take care of house and kids; even then I won’t be accepted. In fact, I would be called a looser.

The amount I earn is sufficient for me alone. I love to travel and with my savings, I can easily go on a world trip. But I don’t because I have responsibilities of my parents and of a woman whom I don’t even know yet. The moment we start earning, we are told to prepare and sacrifice for the family. Our own desires are cloaked. I am not even accepted by marriage bureaus because my salary doesn’t meet the standards.

I can enjoy my life if I want to; I can go Thailand, I can buy whatever I want to, I can stop worrying about my future and my finances if it were all about me only, but that’s not what responsible men do.

However, still it’s always the man labeled as misogynist for asking questions or looking for beauty or demanding household responsibilities. Women face difficulties in finding a partner because they have raised their bars while men struggle even if they lower their bars.

My problem is not diet or exercising; I lost 40 KGs around a year and a half ago but gained back. My problem is my depression and solitude. Irony is that I am depressed for being alone and need a partner to cherish me and lit the missing spark; but incapability of finding one is itself the cause of the same depression. I am just stuck in this loop.

I am not looking for empathy; I know I will receive many encouraging messages and I thank you in advance. But I don’t blame the society, the system or the people. Everyone has their own desires and have complete rights to pursue them. A woman deserves a man who can provide well, cherish her, nurture her and meet all her needs and desires. And I am just not that person. I know my first appearance turns them off and my dim future cause further disappointments. Life can’t be lived on virtues only; learn this bitter reality.

A Man’s worth is not weighed by his righteousness or virtues but by the amount of money in his pocket; and then we whine about the shortages of noble men.

As I mentioned in the beginning of the article, this ain’t a tug of war. I am well aware of the problems faced by women. Don’t counter the arguments by bringing up examples of some rural society. If you think objectively, my whole point is that the root cause of our problems is not gender based; it’s the matter of power and privilege.

P.S I hardly write about me and whenever I do, it is barely for empathy, because mere words aren't enough for me anymore; instead I try to connect dots with my personal experiences to highlight related social issues.