WHY MEN PREFER LESS EDUCATED or LESS INDEPENDENT WOMAN FOR MARRIAGE?

I recently read an article about a woman complaining on this issue and the need to educate men that there is nothing wrong with educated women. Well that’s true but there is another side to this issue too which I wanted to share.

Bear in mind that whatever I will write is not necessary applicable on every man or woman; every individual is different with different circumstances and situations. And by no mean am I going to blame one gender for the entire issue. I will try to keep balance as much as possible.

First of all, majority of men have no issue marrying an educated woman; in fact many prefer. There might be a very small group from certain background who reject women just on the basis of education and that is totally wrong. They probably belong to the category that believes that a woman is born to stay inside the house for her entire life. Such group is very small; majority of today’s men have no issue marrying an educated woman.

But majority of men do prefer a less independent woman. Education and independence are two different things which we somehow mix up. Now why is it that a man prefers a less independent woman? And less independent is not a general term, it means less independent than the husband. Why is it so?

You can’t just blame men for this mentality, women play an equal role. It’s a perspective that an independent woman runs away from responsibilities as a wife, as a homemaker. Now it’s not men who presumed this perspective out of thin air. Every perspective exists on facts. No doubt that not every independent woman is careless when it comes to home duties. But this is how the world works, we always highlight the negative aspects more than the positive ones. Take Muslims for example, how did the world portray us in the past couple of decades?

I am not saying that a woman has to be a sole home maker. But she is indeed in-charge. Husband and Wife are a team and a team consists of people with different abilities and then tasks are divided based on one’s expertise. For example; Pilot and Co-Pilot. Now both are capable of handling the aircraft independently but still both are given different responsibilities so that no one is overburdened. But it’s not like that both stick to their specific tasks throughout the flight; they indeed help each other to make the ride smoother.

Being in-charge of the house doesn’t mean that you have to cook and clean the entire time. It simply means that you are responsible for the well being of the house. I once worked with a Lady Manager and that lady was a true image of women empowerment. She was highly educated, a very brave and genius woman and equally a great homemaker. Like I mentioned above, you don’t have to physically do everything. This lady was working so she had a full time maid at house but she was equally involved in the house even from work. She would call and check if the kids have arrived from school, if the maid has made food yet or no, if she has completed other tasks or not. She even left her job at the peak of her career for the sake of the kids and his husband was equally supportive of her. Now her kids are young enough so she is going to pursue even higher studies. His husband is neither stopping her from studies nor from work because she also fulfilled her duties as a wife and as a mother.

Now some may argue that why is it a woman’s job to take care of the house and kids. Why not man? And they will even come up with the life example of our Beloved Prophet (PBUH). Well, like I mentioned above, Husband and Wife are a team and responsibilities are divided on the basis of what could be easier for the one to perform. For centuries, stepping out of the house and bringing food was not a luxury, it was tough, it was dangerous and that’s why Allah gave this responsibility to a man because He made him physically stronger. Even today, not every man has the luxury of sitting in an office. But still no matter what, a man has to provide, it’s his responsibility. He is raised with this responsibility. Prophet PBUH indeed performed most of His chores but then, he was not bound to go out and provide; let alone the luxuries, there were no consecutive days when He or His wife had food properly for even one time a day. So if you want your man to be like Prophet (PBUH); be a woman like His wife who never demanded any luxury or even the basics.

I will talk about myself. My entire life I was pressurized to succeed in life not just because for myself, but for my wife and kids. My mother always say that be successful so that you can give a better life to your wife and kids, she never said to be successful so I can enjoy alone. And I think that’s beautiful.

My majority of tensions and depression is for the woman who I don’t even know yet. My whole depression is due to two reasons; one that I am fat and second that I have no stable job. But I am not worried for myself but for the woman who will come in my life. If it was just for me, I would have never bothered. Being fat is fine with me but I know that a woman has her dreams too, I wish that she don’t have to compromise for me, I want to look good for her, I want to be active and healthy for her. Same goes for job; my earning is not bad, in fact my savings and my salary is enough for me, in fact more than enough. I can buy anything I wish for, I can go travel around the world. But when I think about the responsibilities after marriage, the same money looks insufficient. I don’t want to go travel the world alone now and later not be able to take my wife. I have saved money so I can take her too. I can work any minimal job without any chance of promotion If it is for my survival only but I know I need a firm career with good chances of promotions so that I can give my wife a good life.

And what I want in return? I just want her to be the woman of the house. I don’t want her to cook for me 3 times a day, I don’t want her to clean and sweep every day. I just want that sense of responsibility in her. I am currently a bachelor living with other bachelors. I am not dying of hunger. I either cook myself or eat from outside. We wash the kitchen and bathroom ourselves. But still our place doesn’t look like a living place. I wish you people could come visit the bachelors living in the Middle East. Just look at how we are living. It’s so true that AURAT GHER KI RONAQ HOTI HAIN. We bachelors have no motivation to keep our houses up-to-date. All we need is a place to crash after work. With everything else going on in our mind; keeping the house decorated or clean is the last thing in our minds.

You ladies want a man who can keep you the way your father kept you; then why is it wrong if we man wish for a woman who can keep us the way our mothers did? I am not defending the lazy men who neither work properly nor help in house chores. My mother taught me and my brother enough so that we can survive on our own without her. Once my parents went for Hajj and me and my brother were alone; we were not dependent on anyone; mother cooked meals and froze them and still taught me couple of recipes. We did the dishes, we vacuumed the house. We didn’t mess up the house without her.

We often hear from modern women that WE NEED NO MAN; well technically, we men need no woman either. Like tell me, why do I need a wife? I am earning, I can do my own chores, I can cook, I can clean, I can do the dishes, I can do the laundry, why do I need a wife? I have enough money to fulfill my sexual desires unlawfully. But I don’t want to, I am preparing myself so that I can marry and tie myself in this beautiful relationship. And let me be very clear that I don’t want a wife just to do the chores that I mentioned above. What I am trying to explain is that be it a man or a woman, we do need each other. And when we marry, we share responsibilities and we should help each other in fulfilling these responsibilities. A man’s primary responsibility is to earn and provide and a woman’s primary responsibility is to take charge of the house. But these responsibilities are not red lines that one can’t cross; given the circumstances, one should definitely help each other.

Being independent doesn’t mean to be independent from your relationships. I would love to be an idiot around my wife when it comes to house chores so that she can feel proud of her as the woman of the house but when she is away, I should take care of the house in the same way she does. I should be able to take care of her house in her absence. Similarly, a woman definitely should be able to do outside chores like paying bills, grocery etc., but when the man is in house, it’s his responsibility. Being independent means that if man is not available, she should be able to do on her own instead of sitting and waiting for any other man.

No matter how independent you are, show you dependence on each other, good men and women honor it and it raises love. Take example of parents; why do we love parents? It’s not just because they are parents, it’s because what they have done for us when were incapable. So today, even if we are capable, we still have same respect and love for them and still we love to be dependent on them. So it’s the small acts that make us love each other. Now imagine if you were separated at birth and you reunite with your parents in your adulthood, would you have the same affection towards them?

So the conclusion is that education or being independent is not an issue, the issue is running from responsibilities; be it a man or a woman. Where we need to educate men, we need help from women too in changing this perspective that a strong independent woman is not capable of managing a house.

And it’s not just men with this perspective; ask yourself, what type of wife you are looking for your brother?

Good men feel proud and honored in providing, and being in-charge of the house is an honor for a woman. Managing a house is not a small task; we STRONG men are not capable of it.

I still have many things to say but I have already written them in this previous article and you must read it too.

-IMPORTANCE OFMARRIAGE – GENDER ROLES – RIGHTS & RESPONSIBILITIES