IMPORTANCE OF MARRIAGE – GENDER ROLES – RIGHTS & RESPONSIBILITIES

Before I start writing, remember, every individual is different and not every scenario fits everyone. Your life could be different, your challenges could be different, and the world you are living in could be different than the others. So just try to understand the context and if it is applicable on you, follow it, if not then ignore. But before denying something, remember that the same piece of advice may be worthless for you but could be valuable for others.

IMPORTANCE OF MARRIAGE

The modern world has made us so selfish that we are just busy developing ourselves. We run after our careers, money, success and most of the time we pay a hefty cost of losing people to achieve the glitters of this temporary world. Marriage is so important at many levels and yet, people run away from it. One of the main reasons is that people themselves have made marriage a haunted house that no one wants to enter. But on the contrary, marriage is supposed to be a roller coaster ride where there are ups and down but it is all fun at the end of the day.

Marriage keeps you away from Zina which is one of the biggest sins. No one can deny the urge of making love, its natural, it’s our need and yet we don’t want to fulfill our need through the right way but rather want to do it the wrong way because why not, Haram is always entertaining. And not only entertaining, there are no obligations and responsibilities in a Haram relationship and this is what people run away from in this era of selfishness.

But marriage is not just about sharing beds, it’s about sharing lives. You will become part of each other. You have to take care of each other. You have to be the backbone of each other. You have to face ups and downs together and most importantly, you have to grow together. Marriage creates a sense of responsibility because now you don’t just live for yourself but for your better half too and it is just beautiful.

THE RIGHT AGE FOR MARRIAGE

There is no specific number. We often hear that MARRY WHEN YOU ARE READY. Ask yourself, are you ever ready? We are never ready for any challenge, no matter how much you prepare yourself to face a new challenge; you are never a 100% until you face it in reality.

But one should get married as soon as possible. It differs from person to person. All you have to be is mature enough to understand the value of marriage and for the man; he should be stable enough to provide the basics to her wife. You don’t have to be super rich, money comes and goes, and time just flies.

Marriage should be your priority, not the career. It could take decades for you to have a stable career. And the benefit of getting married at an early age is that you and your partner are not a complete person yet. When you hook up at an early age, you are still in process of creating your thoughts, your lifestyle, your goals, your aims and your dreams. So when you grow together, your thoughts are influenced by each other which eventually makes both of you compatible because now you are almost thinking alike, having dreams alike, you almost become the real other half of your personality. But if you grow up alone and wait to be completely independent, now you have developed a lifestyle and at this stage, it is so hard for you to amend yourself for someone else because you can’t find a 100% match of yours.I am not in favor of changing your lifestyle completely but some changes will be required by both. But because now you are independent and you see no need for your spouse because you believe you can live on your own, the element of love and affection fades away. You become just persons instead of better halves.

It is good to be independent for both man and woman but learn to be dependent too; it creates sense of responsibility, love and affection. Make your spouse realize that you need him/her in your life even if you don’t. Why do children love parents? Because they are dependent on them. If they were born independent, parents would never have the high rank that Islam has given them. When the same child becomes independent, he/she still loves the parents because he/she can’t ignore what the parents did for them their entire life. The amount of sacrifice, pain, support, love is what makes the child love and respect the parents forever. Same could happen between a husband and a wife. The first relationship on the earth was not Mother and Father, it was Husband and Wife. Don’t turn this beautiful relationship into a game of tug of war. Learn to honor, learn to respect and learn to co-exist.

CHOOSING A LIFE PARTNER

Islam has given both man and woman complete authority to select or reject their life partners. The most important element you should look for is that how God fearing your partner is because a God Fearing person will never hurt you. A man or a woman who understand Islam also understands the rights and responsibilities. And remember, you are not just given RIGHTS, you have equal RESPONSIBILITIES too. Rights and responsibilities are parallel. A husband’s right is a wife’s responsibility and a wife’s right is a husband’s responsibility. If one is not fulfilling a responsibility, morally he/she should not demand the right either.

There should not be much difference between the two, be it financial status, social status or even religious status. Because the way one is born with a particular status is a complete different person than the other and hence it will be so hard to be together under one roof.

Make a list of things that you cannot compromise on and then act on it. For example, if a man cannot compromise on Hijab, he should select someone who already wears Hijab. You can’t marry Jennifer Aniston and order her to wear Hijab. Similarly, if a woman wants a pious husband, then select a pious one because no one works their ass off for six packs to have one woman. Now you may have to compromise. A Hijabi may not be as attractive as a non-Hijabi, and similarly a pious man won’t have the same persona as the six pack guy. So now you decide what you want and I will suggest to never go for materialistic qualities because they fade quick and personality remains forever.

And one more important thing for men, It is your right to have a housewife but then again, select a woman who wants to be a housewife. You can’t marry Jeniffer Aniston and then ask her to leave Hollywood because SHE WON’T and Hell, even I don’t want her to.

And yet again, like I mentioned above, if you marry early, you can easily change your partner. You can change your wife into a hijabi and you can change your man into a macho man because now the goal is not to flirt but to please your spouse. And most importantly, never force your spouse to change because then, it won’t be out of love, it would be just a necessity which will eventually create differences. Remember, the way you ask matters a lot. And you can’t just ask all the time, life is about Give and Take.

GENDER ROLES

Let’s go back in time. There is no luxury, opportunities are very rare, earning money is hard, and people earn just to survive and not for luxuries. It is actually hard for women to go out and that is why Allah gave strength to men and made them responsible to provide. Now when one is given such a burden of responsibility, he is given some degree of rank too but in no way a man is made an owner to a woman. Think about it this way, if you are a woman who has taken all sorts of responsibilities of a group of other women, how would you want to be treated?

Now, unfortunately, many men took this responsibility as leverage and thought they were the Kings and woman is just weak and incapable. A husband was made in-charge not to overpower the wife but to make sure the wife gets all the comfort and love.

Forget about Husband and Wife, if you are two or four people of same gender living in a same house, you share duties. Same goes with Husband and wife. A husband’s duty is to go out and provide no matter what and a wife’s duty is to take care of the house and the children. Now the problem arose when people created limitations on these duties. Like for a man, he won’t even touch a glass of water in the house and the woman was just supposed to stay at home all the time. This is where things got ugly and women demanded their rights.

In my house, there are gender roles but they are not limited. My mother is a housewife and my father was the sole earner for decades. But my father not only brought money, he took care of the house too. He didn’t made food or washed clothes but he was the one to fix all the appliances. If my mother was ill, she was never forced to do the chores. Sometimes, my father would make his own breakfast before leaving for office. My father would vacuum the house sometimes. If there was a party at the house, my father would help her in the kitchen too. But a time came when my father’s job was very harsh. He had to work for almost 14-15 hours. Now my mother went over the board to take care of her husband. She made sure to make his time at house as comforting as possible. Both my mother and father are old and both tell me the same thing, my father says I WON’t SURVIVE WITHOUT YOUR MOM and my mom says I WON’t SURVIVE WITHOUT YOUR FATHER. That’s the relationship I want. It’s not like they never fought, they fought a lot, and I mean a lot but they could never stay away from each other for more than couple of days because they both were the need of each other and their needs didn’t make them superiors or inferiors, they made them one soul.

I am a boy and my mom taught me to do the house chores. I would vacuum, I would make my own breakfast, I would do the dishes. When I started working, I either made my own breakfast or I did from outside. My Mom used to say every time to wake her up but I never did. I can’t wake up a sleeping person and ask her to make me breakfast, unless it is a necessity of time or financial issue.

I want my wife to be like my mother but I want myself to be like my father. A person who sacrificed his life for his family and in return received love and respect. I won’t wake up my wife either to make me breakfast but it will make me love her even more if she would do it out of love. If the alarm goes off, I will turn it off myself but I will be so happy that my wife at least tried. It’s not about food, I don’t want her to serve me three times a day, even couple of times in a week is enough for me, it’s just about affection, it’s about showing love, it’s about making other person realize his or hers importance in your life. She could go out, hang out with friends, go on a vacation, earn money, can do whatever she wants but I just want her to be the Woman of the house. Just like, I want to be the man of the house but it doesn’t mean limitations. We can happily split the same duties or sometimes even exchange duties, or some days we can just lie down and do nothing.

I NEED NO MAN, please ladies, don’t be so harsh with yourself. We all need someone in our lives. I am not speaking on behalf of evil men or women but there are pure hearted men and women too. And we men feel proud to be at service. It’s not because you are not capable, it’s because we don’t want you to have a hard time, God gave us the strength and responsibility, let us do it, in fact, DEMAND IT.

Be independent, be strong, be on your own but when your man is around, let him do it. Let him go buy ice cream in the middle of the night, let him change the tire even if you know how to. And same goes for men, no matter how independent you are, make your wife realize that how important she is, how you need her, how incomplete you are without her. Be strong and mature when facing the world but when you are together, be a child. Give each other respect for what they are doing for you. And always do something for each other, even the smallest of acts count. As a woman, even if you are financially strong, ask money from your husband, make him realize his importance, he would love it. It’s not an obligation to cook or clean but ladies, if you just do even sometimes for the sake of your husband, he would honor it. And men should also do the same, in your free time, take part in house chores, your wife will honor it.

Most young girls run away from marriage because our society has made marriage like a prison. A girl’s dreams die once she marries. This is so wrong. If a girl wants to continue study, let her study, if she wants a career, let her have it. A good husband is supposed to empower her wife and a good wife empowers her man. It’s a mutual thing.

Remember, when you get to the old age, your career, your money, even your children probably won’t be there for you, if there will be someone to comfort you, it will be your spouse and all those lovely memories.