MY LOVE STORY – I LOVED A GIRL I NEVER MET – THEN LOST HER

Before reading this, I will strongly suggest you to read my previous posts to give you an idea about myself which will help you better understand this post.

First of all, let me share the background of my love life. I have always respected women, they have a special place in my heart, women are very precious, they are truly a blessing from Allah, be it a mother, a sister or a wife. But I never had any women in my life besides my mother. I do not have a sister, I was never close to my cousins and being an introvert, I never managed to make friends either. I am so shy that I can’t even talk to a woman face to face.

And besides, I actually never wanted to be a guy surrounded by women just to brag or show off. For me, a woman should always hold a precious title, and a girlfriend or a time pass is never an option for me. You won’t believe but I proposed my entire high school female class fellows, to be my sisters. Yes! I was a brother in high school which I am proud of. I never wanted to be attached to someone just to pass time. I always had this one rule, I WANT ONE LADY IN MY LIFE FOREVER. I had a crush on my cousin and you know what, I didn’t date or had a long affair, I told her straight to the face that I like you and I want to marry you, period. And I was about 18 years old at the time. Well, it didn’t go well, long story short, I was ditched.

Years later, I had a crush again on another cousin, same, I told her I like you and I want to marry you. Same result and in fact this time, I was cheated. She was having an affair with another cousin and was just having fun with me and actually made fun of my physique and status. No hard feelings, I sincerely wish her all the best for her life. She is married now, to the same cousin.

I am not saying I am a saint, I did mistakes too as a teenager. When I looked around and saw boys having illicit relationships and having all the fun, I also wanted to be a part of it, I tried it too but it never worked and I am glad that it never worked. I have never dated in my life, not even a single lunch with any lady. Do I regret it? NO! Why? You will know soon.

Whenever I liked any girl, I saw her as a wife and not girlfriend or someone I can ask for nudes and that is the reason I can’t flirt because flirting is like a trap just like you catch fishes. You don’t have to impress a girl or a boy with looks, loud music in a car, clothes you can’t afford etc. It’s the personality one should fall for because personality stays forever, materials change and so does your taste for those items. And besides, most boys just want to have fun, they don’t want to be committed. Me, the first time I touch a woman romantically should be on my wedding night. There is a reason why wedding night is so important. Imagine waiting for something you desire a lot for years and finally having it altogether. Even if you are not religious, still think about it.

Anyways, so after couple of failed tries of getting the love of my life, someone came out of nowhere. I remember the time when I was so desperate to have someone in my life because I was so alone. I had no friends, no active social life, problems with parents and the list goes on and I wanted a girl in my life because I didn’t even have a sister. I always wanted to be a man for my girl, be it a wife or a sister. Doing all those little stuff like bringing groceries, taking her out for shopping, her tantrums, cute little fights, her weird demands like desire for an ice cream in the middle of the night, her yelling, her cute little slaps, I wanted to be that guy. Opposite gender always have a very special bonding, like a Mother and her son, a Father and her daughter, brothers and sisters. And I just never had my opposite gender in any form of halal relationship. And I always wanted a halal relationship, it’s very special.

So one day, this girl message me on Facebook just randomly about some topic I shared and it took us just three days to be in a relationship. I was so desperate those days to share my feelings with someone and here she came and without even thinking that she is a stranger and I am basically sharing my private stuff, I just talked to her, and she was having the same problems, she was living the same life, she had the same dreams, we were a perfect match and that’s what made us fell in love with each other. Have you ever met someone who is the exact copy of yours? We won’t say a word and yet will know each other’s feelings.

She was the first girl in my life who loved me. Everything she said, everything she did for me, I felt so special for the first time in my life. She was in Pakistan and I was abroad. She celebrated my birthday by having a cake with my name on it. I was madly in love with her, she was the one I always dreamt of, in fact more than I ever wanted. I use to take screenshots of our conversations because everything she said was so special for me because no one ever said me those things.

I was so mad in love with her that even without meeting, I could feel her, I could smell her, I know it sounds crazy but it isn’t. I had a record of everything, the date and time of her first message, the first time we fought, the first time we talked over phone. She was so special for me not just because she loved me, but because she loved me when I was the biggest loser on the planet, when no one would have accepted me. I was 150 Kgs, a high school dropout, working in a call center and she still loved me, cared for me, respected me. The girl was a gem. And because we were both introverts, we were so comfortable with each other. We could do all the weird stuff, say things without thinking, be dumb and still love each because our love was real, it was not dependent on materialism. We never had to prove our love because we knew each other so well. She knew I would never cheat and I knew she won’t either. We accepted each other as we were. She was the only lady in my life and I was the only man in her life.

We were in a relationship for three years but we never met. I could if I wanted to. But I never did. We kept our relationship as pious as possible and we asked Allah each other. I always told her, we are crazy for each other, we want to romance, we want to be together, so Imagine after waiting all these years, just imagine the moment we will hug for the first time as spouses on our wedding night. It will be magical. I can come to meet you, we could go on dates, we can get physical but it’s not worth it. I told her that when I meet your mother and ask for your hand, I will proudly tell her that I never met your daughter and always protected her dignity. If I love you, it’s not all just fun, I have a responsibility to protect you, even from myself. Relationships have a bad reputation for a reason. I bet if people had kept themselves in pure relationships, no one would have any problem in Love marriages.

But, I couldn’t get her. We waited three years for the right moment to talk to our parents and it was difficult for both of us and even harder for her because she was a girl. I tried to get my life better, I reduced weight, got a better job. We both were not fighters; we never asked or demanded anything from anyone, even parents so asking for your love was a nightmare for both of us. After three years, I said it’s time, I know I am still not very stable in my life but I can’t do it anymore, my life won’t get any better and besides we both don’t have luxurious expectations from each other and even our families are very simple people. So I talked to my parents, first they were angry but they did like her. And unexpectedly, my parents were all in.

My father suggested that we won’t tell the truth to girl’s mother because she will become angry and reject us without hearing anything further. We should somehow proceed as an arrange marriage. I oppose it, I kept my relationship pure, I always asked Allah for help and I wanted to base our relation on truth but anyhow, even the girl agreed with my parent’s way of handling this situation. I understand, it was tough on her. So my parents talked to her brother, I went Dubai to meet him too. He said I had to lose more weight and my future should be stable. The problem is I live in a country where we have Visa problems. Visa for Pakistanis are banned so I can’t bring my wife here and for me, moving back to Pakistan at the time was not feasible.

Anyhow, the brother agreed to help. We created a story and he introduced me to the mother. Everything was smooth, my parents went to their home, they came to ours, both liked each other, her mother had no problem with me but there was a big hurdle. One, I couldn’t get the girl a visa to stay with me and in Pakistan, we were in a different city. Me Lahore, she Islamabad and her mother had a valid concern that how can she leave her daughter out of city without her husband. I told her brother to try convincing the mother that just keep faith in Allah, even I don’t want to spend my entire life away from my wife, we will try to be together, even If I have to take a decision of moving back. But the brother betrayed, no one can understand your feelings. The brother didn’t help anymore, and for the mother I was a just a proposal and that is the reason I opposed this entire idea of arrange marriage because I knew that even a small hurdle will hurt us. If we had spoken the truth, at least we would have a chance to try to convince her; after all she was her child, she could get emotional to convey her feeling towards her mother. But in this arrange marriage scenario, she can’t do anything.

It went on for at least six months, her mother was not agreeing, my mother kept trying on her behalf but all in vain. That was a hard time for us. I never wanted something so desperately. I cried, I yelled, I prayed to Allah but nothing happened. But I never gave up, I wanted to fight until end without doing anything stupid. I told her that this is the time you tell your mother the truth because I don’t want to live in a regret thinking all my life that we should have tried, may be your mother would have agreed, this thought will haunt me forever. So, we told her mother the truth but still no. The girl was very weak, I know and I understand so I don’t blame her. She didn’t even put a fight with her mother. She didn’t want to disrespect her, she couldn’t be mad with her mother; she was not a fighter, neither am I. I was a little disappointed, I expected her to be a little strong and at least let her mother know how serious she is but she couldn’t. She couldn’t see her mother crying because of her so that was the end. No hopes left but at least I was satisfied that we went till the end, we did the best we could. And after all the desperation, I finally accepted that this for our betterment because Allah always does the best for His slave. More than me, I was sad for her because life has made me stronger to handle it, but she wasn’t.

The truth is that we both still hope for a miracle. We don’t talk but just a casual conversation once in a while. When things were all done, I wanted to get married as soon as possible, probably because I wanted to divert my mind and I wanted her to get married too. You know, it hurts when you want someone to have better than you so they won’t remember you, but at the same time you don’t want them to forget you either. We both met the perfect other half of ours and that’s why it is so difficult to get someone to meet those expectations because a lesser person will keep reminding us of each other.

We do want to wait for each other but it’s not worth it anymore. Things have become so complicated with the families. And besides, she is still weak and can’t demand anything. I can just pray for her. I can still feel her. She is still the lady of my dreams and I will never forget her.

I got a proposal which I initially accepted and even our Nikah date was finalized but I called it off for some reasons. I told my ex when I got this proposal and I could feel how destroyed she felt but I didn’t tell her that I called it off. Why? Because it will again give her a false hope. And she still won’t be able to do anything and will be shattered once again so I felt it’s better not to tell her and let her move on with her life, she will eventually get to it. I have realized that after everything we have been through and how things have turned especially with the families, it’s not worth it anymore because we both still aren’t fighters and can’t face people. I want her to be happy in her life with her future mate, someone who can keep her happy way more than I could ever.

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