Conflicts of Expectations

Most of the time, it's the expectation that either cracks or destroy a relationship.

For example, if there is a burger place somewhere in your city which you have never visited and people have been telling you over and over again how good the burgers are and you must try them. Your expectations will be sky rocketing especially if you are a foodie.

Now, that burger not only has to meet your taste buds but your enormous expectations too. Because of the hype, your mind would be waiting to get blasted on the first bite, but it didn't. It's not necessary that the burger is bad, it were your expectations that were not met and you would be feeling disappointed.

On the other hand, if you have lower expectations, even a mediocre burger will enlighten your appetite.

Same is our connection with human beings; when we do something for someone, we automatically frame a particular response in our mind, our expectation that how the other person will react. And upon not getting the expected response, we feel down, sometimes even betrayed.

But that is not the case always. The other person could have done the best from his side but it was you waiting for just some particular response.

For example, there is a man who has never said THANK YOU in his life; you did a huge favor and now expecting some golden words or even a gift; but what got in response was a mere THANK YOU. Now for you it's a disappointment, but for the other person - who has never said those words - is a huge accomplishment; you are the first person to ever get those words from his mouth.

Similarly, most of the times we have materialistic expectations; you did something for someone wealthy and now expect a tangible reward; but if you get something else, you get disappointed but it doesn't mean the other person didn't value it.

Everyone has their own way of expression; we can only know in depth about our closest ones but not everyone.

Look at the intentions, not the material. A candy bar given with genuine intentions is a hundred times better than a Rolex with greed or cunning flatter.

So my advice is to always keep expectations low. Your good deeds shouldn't be dependent on seeking rewards from people; I understand it's a human nature to be appreciated, but be grateful to whatever you receive; give a benefit of the doubt to the other person, may be it was the best he could do at the moment.

And if you genuinely feel betrayed or undermined, remember, Allah is watching; none of your deeds will ever go unnoticed; Allah will bless you with things you would have never imagined.

I will tell you my example. I am a tenant; my landlord is an elderly person, not too much old but the age of my father so obviously I respect him. Last year in Ramadan, he and I were alone in the house for iftar; out of respect, I did most of the preparations and even washed the dishes; I never left even a fork for him to wash; my intention was simply to be at service for someone of my father's age. I am not bragging, I didn't do anything special but the basics. And I never expected anything back from him, though I wished that he would recognize my deeds. But he never praised, not even a single word, but I continued the whole month as my responsibility. But I was a little heartbroken when instead of praising me; he actually undermined my work in front of others as if I did nothing. I didn't wish for praise, but at least not the opposite either. But I still didn't say anything; in my heart, I knew what I did and I knew Allah is the witness; my reward shall come from Him.

So whenever you do a good deed, make this intention that O Allah, I seek reward only and only from you, please accept my deed.

People brake hearts, sometimes intentionally and sometimes unintentionally; give them the benefit of the doubt and keep doing good work with pure intentions.