DEAR MEN AND WOMEN, PLEASE UNDERSTAND THE PATRIARCHY!

We often hear about how patriarchy oppresses women and their rights. While I don’t disagree with it but I don’t completely agree with it either. And I am not going to blame any gender but rather dig deep into this system. Because sometimes, the system is great but applied inappropriately.

First of all, let’s discuss the origin of patriarchy. There is no denying that a man is physically stronger than a woman; well at least in most of the cases. And that is the reason why man is always made responsible to provide for his family. Back in the day, it was hard to earn. There were not much opportunities and people used to earn just for the basic needs which were merely three times of food, shelter and clothes. The conditions of working were not much suitable for women so naturally, the household duties were divided based on one’s strength. Men took the responsibility to earn and women took the responsibility of house.

Now let’s take it this way. Forget husband and wife. Let’s say a group of women live in a house and one of them is given all the responsibility of providing. She does everything she could in order to provide to other women in the house. Now honestly tell, who is the most powerful in the house? What treatment this lady will expect and deserve?

But the problem would be if the power is taken for granted; if the power is used to suppress; if the power is used to deprive others off of their rights. We human beings have misinterpreted Power; Power is not a luxury or privilege; Power is a responsibility. “With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility”.

Same happened with Patriarchy. Most men ignored the fact that the powers they were given were to ensure the safety and comfort of their women. They didn’t understand that some of the restrictions on women were because of the circumstances; not because women were incapable of. For example traveling; we all know how hard and dangerous was it to travel back in the day for both man and woman. But men had to travel for necessities and women were not allowed; not because they couldn’t travel but because of the danger involved. Danger for man and woman is different; if a man gets looted, he loses just the materialistic stuff which can be replaced easily but for a woman, it’s her honor at risk which is much more valuable than anything else. Today, traveling is much easier in many parts of the world so there is no question of not letting a grown woman to travel alone.

Patriarchy was not meant to limit women; patriarchy was supposed to pave path for women. A man is supposed to go out and explore the difficulties that her woman can face and then prepare her to face those difficulties so that she can step out too. Providing is not just about money; it’s about clearing the hurdles in the path of her progress. Today, there are so many opportunities; the environment is relatively safe so most of the restrictions are not applicable anymore. Remember, every restriction is meant for safety. Even if you look at religious restrictions, you will always find a logic why religion prohibited a specific thing. If restrictions are imposed without any reason, they serve no purpose other than egos.

If women were told to seek permission from brother or husband before stepping out of the house, it was to ensure safety. It was never meant to restrict women. The purpose was to let the man know your whereabouts so he can keep track of you if God forbid something happens. It was never meant to be an order but rather a suggestion because the man knew if the place you are willing to go is either safe or not so he can prepare you accordingly or accompany you. Now if a woman wants to go to the neighbor’s house, what is the need of permission?

Patriarchy means that the person responsible for your safety cares about you. Let me share my personal experience which will help you understand my point.

We are two brothers, I am the elder one. Alhamdulillah, we are very close to each other. We have a great bonding. He is five years younger than me. He went to abroad for higher studies. He was living there alone and became very mature. We didn’t meet for almost one and a half year. So we decided to go on a vacation together and we chose Malaysia.

One night, we were coming back from shopping and we didn’t have our dinner. There was a burger stall right across the road from where we were living. As the groceries were heavy, I told my brother I will take the taxi inside the compound and you bring the burgers. It was around 11 at night. The place where we were living was safe. There was security right where the burger stall was. My brother was a STRONG INDEPENDENT MAN; he has been living abroad alone for about three years but I couldn’t leave my brother alone at that time of the night. I said forget it, I will also drop here and we will take care of groceries together. That was because I love him and I was the elder one; he was living on his own for years but right that moment, he was my responsibility; I couldn’t just leave him alone at the middle of the night.

Two days later, my brother asked me if he can go meet his school friend who is now studying in Malaysia. A FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT MAN asked me permission if he can go to meet his friend. I hesitated; I was feeling worried for him. I let him go but kept tracking him. I instructed him, advised him of dos and don’ts, what route to take, what to do in case of emergency. I was behaving like a mother. I kept messaging him; where are you now? Have you reached? Have you leaved? How long from the house? Coincidentally, after my brother left to meet his friend, it started raining very hard and I became more nervous. I was praying for his safety. Remember, he was a grown man but I loved him and he was my responsibility.

My mother and father used to keep track of me all the time, I always got irritated and my mother used to say YOU WILL GET TO KNOW WHEN YOU WILL BECOME A FATHER. Well, I am not father yet but I have experienced it with my brother.

This is what patriarchy was supposed to be. I didn’t restrict my brother from meeting his friend or any other activity during our vacation; I just stood with him as a guardian. I didn’t ruin his vacation by imposing restrictions as an elder brother; I just made sure he was safe.

The same has to be done with women. Be it your sister or wife. You are not meant to restrict them; you just have to safeguard them. You have to provide them space where they can enjoy as much as you. A gown woman can take her own decisions; a man is not meant to take decisions on her behalf, he is meant to support her decisions and help her remove the obstacles that cause hindrance in her goals.

I am not justifying the abusive use of patriarchy but there is other side of the story. There are women too who take their freedom for granted. They don’t honor the flexibility provided by their guardians. Sometimes if your brother or husband restricts you from something, it is for your own good. But somehow this narrative has been created that every action of man is because he hates woman.

I often hear women complaining that their parents don’t impose same restrictions on boys; well your argument is justifiable in many cases where indeed a boy is given all the freedom and the girl can’t even enjoy the basic freedom but in some cases, you girls should feel proud if your parents impose restrictions on you more than the boys because it means they love you more than the boys, it means you are special because extra care is always given to something of greater value.

Please get out of this useless Men Vs Women fight. Because neither all men are wrong nor all women are right. I always emphasize to fight the devils among your own group too. A man should agree where Men are wrong and a Woman should agree where women are wrong. We just start cat fighting. If a video or a drama or a clip of someone bashing women gets viral; all women will unite to attack and all men will unite to defend and if someone comes in favor of men; the same thing happens but in the opposite way. We can’t just tolerate if someone points finger at us. No doubt many women are victims but you can’t deny that many men are victims too. If women keep bashing men, it may turn the good men bad too and vice versa.

Please don’t follow people blindly. Most modern day women right activists are just playing victim cards for their own gains. They don’t hate patriarchy; they just hate men in patriarchy and want to replace it with women. After all, a woman is a human being too and no human being wants equality; just accept it. We all want to win; we all want to be ahead of others; so this equality slogan is just a bait for own benefits. If men talk about men only; women do the same. Let me give you an example. Whenever a woman find a decent, women respecting guy; she always praise him by saying YOUR MOTHER RAISED A GENTLEMAN; why no one ever said YOUR FATHER RAISED A GENTLEMAN? Where is the equality? That’s the point; we don’t need equality, we need equity. It’s true that a mother plays the major role in upbringing so she should be getting most of the praise. Similarly, you can’t neglect the sacrifices and hardships of fathers and brothers either by categorizing all men as evil.

Fight for your rights in your own way; not by following someone who is sitting on tv; because the one on tv doesn’t know you or your exact situations. Not every problem could be solved by the same solution. Battle of rights for a rich woman is different than a poor woman. And the negative side of media is that it brain washes an assailant to believe he/she is a victim instead. The talks on media and social media are mostly one sided and they will never serve any purpose; they will just keep fueling the hate. Never be flattered by someone who talks for just one side.

And most importantly, you are not just born with RIGHTS; you are given equal RESPONSIBILITIES too. Regardless of Gender; before battling for rights, look at the mirror and ask yourself how many responsibilities have you fulfilled. Because your responsibility is someone else’s right.